By Linda Nielsen
Why should teachers, counselors, and parents pay more attention to father-daughter relationships? Because, throughout her lifetime, a daughter is profoundly affected by the kind of relationship she has with her father—often more so than by her relationship with her mother. The girl who grows up having a comfortable, communicative, supportive relationship with her father generally has advantages over other girls when it comes to:
Academic achievement and future jobs and incomes—especially in areas related to science, math, and technology; Avoiding teenage pregnancy and early marriage; Being self-confident and self-reliant; Setting long-term goals; Avoiding emotionally or physically abusive relationships; Resisting peer pressure to have premature sex, smoke, drink alcohol, or take drugs; Not being overly dependent on boys in order to feel good about herself; Asserting her opinions and standing up for her beliefs; Dealing well with people in authority (teachers, employers, etc.); A willingness to try new things and accept challenging tasks; and Having less chance of becoming depressed or developing an eating disorder.
So what can parents, teachers, and counselors do to help fathers and daughters create more meaningful, more personal, more communicative relationships?
1. Spread the word: Stop demeaning or dismissing dads Our first step is to get the message across to everyone in the school and in the family that the father-daughter relationship is vital and needs to be appreciated and strengthened. We need to help others recognize the many demeaning, demoralizing beliefs they hold about fathers-beliefs that hurt father-daughter relationships. One way to raise awareness is to distribute the quiz—especially to fathers and to daughters.
2. Encourage more father-daughter time We can also help daughters and fathers strengthen their relationships by seeing to it that they spend more time alone with each other—time without other family members around. As fathers and daughters spend more private time with one another, they have more opportunities to communicate honestly and comfortably about meaningful, personal matters. Not only mothers and stepmothers must be helped to feel more comfortable with this idea; teachers and counselors must also realize that it's not weird or strange or inappropriate for a father and daughter to spend time alone with each other, even during the daughter's teenage years.
Here is one way fathers and daughters can become more comfortable spending time alone with each other and get to know one another on a more personal level. As a daughter, ask your father to choose 10 pictures of himself from different times in his life—especially his childhood and teenage years. Be sure to ask him to include a picture of his father. Then ask him to spend an hour telling you stories about the pictures—in a quiet place where the two of you can talk privately.
3. Help daughters develop positive relationships with their fathers As a parent, teacher, or counselor, you are in a position to help daughters understand how important their relationships with their fathers are and to help them recognize the ways in which they may be pushing their fathers away. Suggest that daughters take the quiz in order to see how they may or may not be sharing those parts of themselves that will encourage more open and communicative relationships with their fathers.
Parents in particular—both moms and dads—can strengthen father-daughter relationships in the following ways:
Be sure dad spends at least two hours a week alone with his daughter. Watch movies together about positive father-daughter relationships: Fly Away Home, To Kill a Mockingbird, A Soldier's Daughter Never Cries, etc. Read books that show fathers being just as competent as mothers in parenting their daughters. Books may include I Live with Daddy, by Judith Vigna; Night Shift Daddy, by Eileen Spinelli; and Two Old Potatoes and Me, by John Coy. Watch commercials together with your daughter and talk about the ones that make the father look stupid or incompetent.
Using these tools can do a lot to raise awareness of the importance of father-daughter relationships and help families create these loving and powerful bonds.
Linda Nielsen, Ed.D., is a nationally recognized expert on father-daughter relationships. An adolescent psychologist and college professor for more than 30 years, she has taught the only college course in the country devoted exclusively to father-daughter relationships. Her work has been widely cited in The Christian Science Monitor, on National Public Radio, and in a public television documentary on fathers and daughters released in June 2005. Nielsen is the author of Embracing Your Father: How to Build the Relationship You've Always Wanted with Your Dad (McGraw-Hill, 2004).
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
How to be a Great Dad – 12 Awesome Tips
How to be a Great Dad – 12 Awesome Tips
How can you be a great dad?
1. Put their interests first, always. Do you enjoy drinking or smoking? Guess what —it’s not good for them, and you’re setting an example with everything you do. I quit smoking about 18 months ago not for my sake, but for my kids. Now, it is still important to take care of yourself (otherwise you can’t take care of them), but you should still have them in mind. 2. Protect them. As a dad, one of your main roles is protector. There are many ways you need to do this. Safety is one: child-proof your home, teach them good safety habits, set a good example by using your seatbelt, make sure they use a car seat if below a certain age & weight, etc. But financial protection is also important: have life insurance, car insurance, an emergency fund, a will. 3. Spend your spare time with them. When we get home from work, often we’re tired and just want to relax. But this is the only time we have with them during the weekdays, often, and you shouldn’t waste it. Take this time to find out about their day, lay on the couch with them. On weekends, devote as much time as possible to them. While work may be your passion, it won’t be long before they’re grown and no longer want to spend time with you. Take advantage of these years. The thing kids want most from their dads is their time. 4. Give them hugs. Dads shouldn’t be afraid to show affection. Kids need physical contact, and not just from their moms. Snuggle with them, hug them, love them. 5. Play with them. Go outside and play sports. Do a treasure hunt. Have a pillow fight. Play Transformers or Pokemon with them. Don’t just watch TV. Show them how to have fun. See 100 Ways to Have Fun with Your Kids for Free or Cheap. 6. Do the “mom” stuff. Things that are traditionally considered “mom” duties are not just for moms anymore —changing diapers, feeding, bathing, rocking them to sleep in the middle of the night. Dads should help out as much as they can, sharing these types of duties equally if possible. And in fact, if you’re a dad of a baby, this is the perfect time to bond with your child. You should leap at the chance to do these things, because that’s how you start a life-long close relationship with your child. 7. Read to them. This is one of the most important things you can do for your child. First of all, it’s so much fun. Kids books are really cool, and it’s great when you can share something this wonderful with your child. Second, you are teaching them one of the most fundamentally important skills (reading) that will pay off dividends for life. And third, you are spending time with them, you’re sitting or lying close together, and you are enjoying each other’s company. See the Best All-Time Children’s Books. 8. Stand by mom. Don’t contradict their mother in front of them, don’t fight with her in front of them, and most definitely don’t ever abuse her. How you treat their mother affects their self-esteem, and the way they will treat themselves and women when they grow up. Be kind and respectful and loving of their mother. And always work as a team —never contradicting statements of the other. 9. Teach them self-esteem. Maybe this should be No. 1. Well, these aren’t in any order, but this is one of the most important points. There is nothing you can do that is better than giving them high self-esteem. How do you do this? A million ways, but mainly by showing them (not telling them) that you value them, by spending time with them, by talking and listening to them, by praising things they do, by teaching them (not telling them) how to be competent. Praise and encourage, don’t reprimand and discourage. 0. Teach them about finances. This is a point often missed in articles about dadhood. You might not need to teach your 1-year-old about index funds or portfolio diversity, but from an early age, you can teach them the value of money, how to save money to reach a goal, and later, how earn money and how to manage money properly. You don’t want your child to go into the world knowing as little as you did, do you? 1. Be good to yourself. You shouldn’t give up your entire life when you become a dad. You need to take care of yourself, give yourself some alone time, and some time with your buddies, in order to be a great dad when you’re with your kids. Also take care of your health —eat healthy, exercise —because 1) you can’t take care of your kids if you’re sickly, 2) you are teaching your kids how to be healthy for life, and 3) you want to enjoy those grandkids someday. 2. Be good to the mom. This isn’t the same as No. 8 —you should be good to their mom even when they’re not looking. Take her to dinner, give her a massage, do chores around the house for her, give her some time alone and babysit while she goes out, show affection to her, give her little surprises. Because when mom’s happy, the kids are happy. And dad will be happy too!
How can you be a great dad?
1. Put their interests first, always. Do you enjoy drinking or smoking? Guess what —it’s not good for them, and you’re setting an example with everything you do. I quit smoking about 18 months ago not for my sake, but for my kids. Now, it is still important to take care of yourself (otherwise you can’t take care of them), but you should still have them in mind. 2. Protect them. As a dad, one of your main roles is protector. There are many ways you need to do this. Safety is one: child-proof your home, teach them good safety habits, set a good example by using your seatbelt, make sure they use a car seat if below a certain age & weight, etc. But financial protection is also important: have life insurance, car insurance, an emergency fund, a will. 3. Spend your spare time with them. When we get home from work, often we’re tired and just want to relax. But this is the only time we have with them during the weekdays, often, and you shouldn’t waste it. Take this time to find out about their day, lay on the couch with them. On weekends, devote as much time as possible to them. While work may be your passion, it won’t be long before they’re grown and no longer want to spend time with you. Take advantage of these years. The thing kids want most from their dads is their time. 4. Give them hugs. Dads shouldn’t be afraid to show affection. Kids need physical contact, and not just from their moms. Snuggle with them, hug them, love them. 5. Play with them. Go outside and play sports. Do a treasure hunt. Have a pillow fight. Play Transformers or Pokemon with them. Don’t just watch TV. Show them how to have fun. See 100 Ways to Have Fun with Your Kids for Free or Cheap. 6. Do the “mom” stuff. Things that are traditionally considered “mom” duties are not just for moms anymore —changing diapers, feeding, bathing, rocking them to sleep in the middle of the night. Dads should help out as much as they can, sharing these types of duties equally if possible. And in fact, if you’re a dad of a baby, this is the perfect time to bond with your child. You should leap at the chance to do these things, because that’s how you start a life-long close relationship with your child. 7. Read to them. This is one of the most important things you can do for your child. First of all, it’s so much fun. Kids books are really cool, and it’s great when you can share something this wonderful with your child. Second, you are teaching them one of the most fundamentally important skills (reading) that will pay off dividends for life. And third, you are spending time with them, you’re sitting or lying close together, and you are enjoying each other’s company. See the Best All-Time Children’s Books. 8. Stand by mom. Don’t contradict their mother in front of them, don’t fight with her in front of them, and most definitely don’t ever abuse her. How you treat their mother affects their self-esteem, and the way they will treat themselves and women when they grow up. Be kind and respectful and loving of their mother. And always work as a team —never contradicting statements of the other. 9. Teach them self-esteem. Maybe this should be No. 1. Well, these aren’t in any order, but this is one of the most important points. There is nothing you can do that is better than giving them high self-esteem. How do you do this? A million ways, but mainly by showing them (not telling them) that you value them, by spending time with them, by talking and listening to them, by praising things they do, by teaching them (not telling them) how to be competent. Praise and encourage, don’t reprimand and discourage. 0. Teach them about finances. This is a point often missed in articles about dadhood. You might not need to teach your 1-year-old about index funds or portfolio diversity, but from an early age, you can teach them the value of money, how to save money to reach a goal, and later, how earn money and how to manage money properly. You don’t want your child to go into the world knowing as little as you did, do you? 1. Be good to yourself. You shouldn’t give up your entire life when you become a dad. You need to take care of yourself, give yourself some alone time, and some time with your buddies, in order to be a great dad when you’re with your kids. Also take care of your health —eat healthy, exercise —because 1) you can’t take care of your kids if you’re sickly, 2) you are teaching your kids how to be healthy for life, and 3) you want to enjoy those grandkids someday. 2. Be good to the mom. This isn’t the same as No. 8 —you should be good to their mom even when they’re not looking. Take her to dinner, give her a massage, do chores around the house for her, give her some time alone and babysit while she goes out, show affection to her, give her little surprises. Because when mom’s happy, the kids are happy. And dad will be happy too!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Fathet Facts
Adolescents, particularly boys, in single-parent families were at higher risk of status, property and person delinquencies. Moreover, students attending schools with a high proportion of children of single parents are also at risk. Source: Anderson, Amy L. “Individual and contextual influences on delinquency: the role of the single-parent family.” Journal of Criminal Justice 30 (November 2002): 575-587.
What are we doing to our children!
This is a sad case of a disturbed man commuting a horrible act of violence against a disabled young boy!
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